


what i gave is yours to keep

by proofinyou



Series: ain't no pretty other side [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 1990s, Bisexuality, Character Study, Childhood Trauma, College, F/F, F/M, Family History, Gen, Growing Up, High School, Small Towns, this is probably slightly canon-divergent but I did my best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:22:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29904498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proofinyou/pseuds/proofinyou
Summary: A character study of Amanda Rollins during her late teenage years and into early adulthood, as she finds her freedom and figures out a path toward a future outside of what she has always known. Inspired by “White Houses” by Vanessa Carlton.
Series: ain't no pretty other side [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2198898
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	what i gave is yours to keep

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was heavily inspired by what we know about Amanda's childhood, and by [White Houses](https://open.spotify.com/track/4su3hxvmSxgAf8G02Cen1h?si=F0MDMf73T96TME28RFlGNw) by Vanessa Carlton, which is also where the title comes from. When it came up on shuffle recently, the song resonated so intensely with the young Amanda Rollins that I have crafted in my head - I couldn't let it go without writing something.
> 
> TW: nondescript mentions of physical abuse at the hands of Amanda's dad.

Two months following her seventeenth birthday, Amanda Rollins gets emancipated from her parents. They come to one of her court hearings, presenting a half-assed attempt at an objection, but after that they don’t even try. At this point, they’re too focused on fighting with each other and keeping up appearances and trying to deal with Kim, who is quickly spiraling through her own version of self-destruction.

For the last year, Amanda has dedicated the majority of her free time to working two different jobs, and this only intensifies during the summer break from school. Through the week, she waits tables at a hole-in-the-wall diner, Abbey’s, that’s been around since before she was born, where enough road-trippers pass through that she makes amazing tips.

Most weekends, she babysits for a friend of a friend who is a single mom with a demanding, high-paid job out of Atlanta that requires frequent out-of-state travel. The kids are sweet, well-behaved, and she loves how they call her “Miss ‘Manda” with such adoration. Babysitting has always been a nice reprieve from the chaos of her own family, not to mention easy money.

The moment she is granted emancipation, Amanda feels relieved and a little nervous, but also immediately, deeply guilty for leaving Kim, for not staying right beside her and shielding her in protection like a big sister should. But Kim has been freezing her out for months, and daddy wouldn’t dare put a hand on her the way he does their momma, so Amanda gets out of that house.

“You call Abbey’s or Miss Bradley’s house if you ever need me, you hear?” Amanda’s hands grip Kim’s shoulders and she tries to face her baby sister square on, but Kim ducks her head away and refuses to make eye contact.

Silently, Kim nods and Amanda sighs, pulling her into a hug before grabbing her backpack and pillow and leaving everything else behind.

Amanda moves in with a group of upperclassmen that she’s always known from afar, but grew closer to during their frequent visits to Abbey’s on Wednesdays. The four of them have already graduated from high school and they’re floating through life with such ease; an aurora of weightless independence that Amanda can only dream about.

One guy in the group comes from money, so all five of them wind up playing house in this nice, roomy condo, with white exterior paneling and a pristine front lawn, nestled in a well-to-do neighborhood on the west side of town. It’s such a contrast to the only home Amanda has ever known and it takes awhile for her to settle in, but she does, eventually.

When she isn’t working, Amanda is with her roommates, and she fits in so well you’d think she’d grown up in their orbit, alongside them all along. Sometimes they’ll drive around town for hours late into the night, playing country music so loud she’s sure the car speakers will blow. Under the wide open, starry night sky, they speed across the dusty, gravel back roads with every window rolled down. When they hang out at home, they drink cheap beer and eat copious amounts of pizza and play stupid games, drunk on alcohol and autonomy and friendship.

Amanda finds herself completely transfixed by Lee, the only other girl in the house, and the first person to ever refer to her by her last name. Lee has been the town’s star ballerina for as long as Amanda can remember: she’s tall and lean and effortlessly beautiful, and she’s probably going to end up at some prestigious dance company someday, like the New York City Ballet. But for now, Lee’s here.

“Rollins, you’re good people, you know that?” Lee smirks at her from across the kitchen table at breakfast one morning. Amanda meets her loaded gaze, responds with _“you, too”_ and bites her bottom lip before taking another sip of her chocolate milk, still watching Lee over the rim of her cup.

The truth is, she and Lee have a history. They made out one time behind the movie theatre a couple of years back, when they snuck into a matinee showing of _Now and Then_ without paying for tickets.

They never spoke of that moment again - never really had a reason to - but the memory of it permeates between them now that they’re living under the same roof and spending all this time together. It’s created this current that makes Amanda want more, but Lee’s got a new boyfriend and she’s not about to be a homewrecker.

Amanda ends up dating the charismatic rich boy, Alex, who got them the house and works as a golf cart attendant at the neighborhood country club. Alex has outwardly flirted with Amanda for months, and while he’s not exactly her type, the attention feels really good.

One night after he buys her dinner at the bar and grill and she beats him at two rounds of pool, they drive to a quiet spot nobody can find them and have sex in the backseat of his fancy Ford Mustang. Amanda doesn’t fully love sex the first time, but suspects she could love it a lot if she did it more, and so she does, with Alex for a couple more months, and once with Lee, too, after they both get dumped and get wasted on boxed wine.

Working herself ragged in order to stay afloat, Amanda moves into a tiny studio apartment of her own by summer’s end, the white houses now in her rearview.

Now that her dad has finally disappeared to who knows where, her visits with Kim and Beth become more frequent. Momma begs her to move back home, says her bed is still there waiting for her across from Kim’s in the room they shared.

“There’s no need to be all on your own, honey, for Heaven's sake.”

 _Oh, but there is_ , Amanda thinks. When she changes the subject, asking Kim if she’s excited to start high school in a couple of weeks, Beth takes the bait and goes on and on about how proud she is of Kim for making the cheerleading squad, following in her momma's footsteps.

Amanda begins her senior year of high school with a new reputation; it’s one that isn’t entirely wrong or right, but it’s an intimate, targeted betrayal by her former childhood best friends. They not only washed their hands of her when she left home and stopped going to church every Sunday, but now they’ve decided to vilify her under the guise of their devotion to the Lord. 

School quickly becomes a living nightmare, and then her guidance counselor all but tells her she’s not smart enough to graduate early, so she has no choice but to stick it out. 

Amanda walks the halls with her head held high, skips out on every pep rally and arranges early dismissal for work, and doesn’t for a second pretend to be anyone she’s not.

As soon as she turns eighteen, Amanda drives her old, beat-up truck to downtown Atlanta, finds a tattoo shop, and pays the artist in cash to brand her inner forearm with her name. Now she has a permanent reminder that she is the one person who can define herself and her worth; not her parents, not her old friends, not anyone else on the planet.

When she finally crosses the stage to receive her high school diploma, shaking hands with her school principal and the counselor who treated her like trash, Amanda spots Kim and Beth sitting in the audience. She waves to them, figures she should be grateful they showed up, even if they're mostly only pretending to give a shit.

After graduation, Amanda enrolls at the local community college and starts out by tackling the basic first-year courses, hoping to buy herself some time to determine what in the hell she wants to do with her life. When the advisor provides her with a list of possible concentrations of study, criminal justice immediately catches her eye. Thinking back to her emancipation, and the strangers she leaned on in order to make that a reality, her gut convinces her that this is the route she’s meant to pursue.

“Miss Rollins, I think that’s an excellent choice,” the advisor says, reaching into her desk drawer and pulling out a stack of business cards, then handing one to Amanda. “I have a cousin who is a career detective, works for the Atlanta Special Victims Unit. Give him a call if you ever find yourself interested down the road.”

Amanda thanks the woman with genuine appreciation and tucks the card away in her wallet. She doesn’t even know what Special Victims Unit means, but she is intrigued.

It’s a glorious moment when Amanda opens the piece of mail informing her that she’s landed a hefty scholarship, allowing her to comfortably transfer to a four-year university. She’s sitting on her bed, having just finished a full load of final exams, as she holds the piece of paper with steady hands and reads the words over and over again in disbelief. 

Amanda majors in forensic science at Georgia State University, has her eyes and her heart set on getting a bachelor’s degree and making something of herself, while also helping others, maybe even girls like her.

Most importantly, Amanda leaves her sleepy little hometown that has both taken so much from her already and helped shaped her into everything she will become.

Just like that, she’s free.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this. Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
